The Disparate Housewives – Stella Mandella (aka Elaine Crinnion) and Jacqueline Saphra – are a wonder of creation: How has this small pair of friends managed to swim the Housewifery all the way up to The Poetry? Since forming in 2007 they’ve dished up their delicious home-cooked views on life, love, and food, all over the country, including at PureandGoodandRight, Warwick; The Poetry Shack, Bloomsbury; Glastonbury Festival 2008; The Hothouse, King’s Cross; and Write Angle Petersfield.

The Disparate Housewives: “They make me want to bake.” – Audi Maserati.

The Disparate Housewives: “…look so 1950’s housewife and then cover deep topics – very clever and astute.” – Naomi Woddis.

Jacqueline Saphra: “A great comic persona.” – John Hegley.

Stella Mandella: “A star.” – Francesca Beard.

House Rules

No rock’n’roll, no parties, no illicit kisses, missis.

No flirting or laughing in the back row.

Don’t smoke.

No short skirts, stilettos or dirty jokes.

The only lipstick you may wear

is matt beige,

the default setting on your stereo

is low. No beer.

Don’t swear or sweat.

No shades or skimpy underwear,

don’t dye your hair. No singing in the street.

Don’t drive as if you never passed your test

or think my friends will be impressed

with how you’re dressed.

Wear plain black: no bling, cling or cleavage.

Act your age.

And I’m not talking virgin or widow,

I’m talking nun.

Behave.

No drugs or alcohol, no late night raves,

no fun.

Live with it Mum,

you’re past that stage.

Last rule (this one’s well bad):

don’t ever, ever, ever

let me see you

snogging Dad.

…Yeah, but try telling love about house rules

and you know what happens…

 

Love’s Not Bothered

Love’s not bothered if you’re both called Lyn. Or Steven.

Love’s not bothered if your skin is wrinkly skin, or even.

Love’s not bothered about cosmetic dentistry,

love doesn’t bother with materialistic inventories.

Love doesn’t care if bling, or nothing’s on the hand – held in a hand,

or care if you’re rich, or – I’d go so far as to say – bland,

but if you’re not as tasty as you’d wish – it’s not such bad luck,

’cause thanks to love, there’s always going to be somebody to tuck

into you with appetite, who may well not even think, yuck.

Because love does care. Love cares very much.

Although, sorry – not about our lives upon this earth.

Love often comes on strongly at the start, when there’s a birth,

but love can come on just as strongly at the end, when we cop it.

Love: Neither life nor death can stop it.

So what is love bothered about, if not the above?

Love cares about love

cares about love

cares about love

cares about love.

House Rules © Jacqueline Saphra

Love’s Not Bothered © Stella Mandella